Our 4th wedding anniversary just passed us on July 1. It was a great time to reflect on the last few years and look at how we have both grown as individuals and in our marriage. Since we are still enjoying not having any little ones to worry about, we spent a lot of time planning an overnight trip to anywhere we wanted! Ok, maybe not anywhere, I mean, we still live on a military income. We just took an awesome trip to Dallas about 3 weeks ago so we decided to stay close to home. We found this historic hotel in OKC, The Skirvin. The pool (in the basement) left a little to be desired, but the rest of the place was just beautiful. We swam for a while, went to the room and got room service for dinner, and went to Nonna's Purple Bar for some live music. It was a rainy weekend, but still very nice!

The big D

I feel like so many people I know are getting divorced right now, just out of the blue. As if they just woke up one morning and decided they didn't want to be married anymore. I don't get it. Well, I'm married so maybe I sort of get it. I love my husband but there have been more than a few times during an argument that I thought how easy it would be to just pack my stuff and head home. BUT, that's MARRIAGE. I think feeling like that is fairly normal...to an extent. It is sad that people get married and don't take their vows to heart. Marriage is hard, it is tough, tough work every single day. I have a lot of respect for people who decide NOT to get married, who decide they don't want that work and don't want to ruin someone else's life when they decide to leave after 10 years of marriage because their suspicions were confirmed. Good for you for not hurting your spouse with a divorce and emotionally maiming a child by leaving. For those of us who have chosen to marry and share our lives with someone, you have to know that marriage is not going to be happy fun time with candy canes and peaches everyday; and when things get rocky, stick it out, find help. Unless your spouse is cheating on you repeatedly or abusing you, I can't imagine what is so unfixable. If you just decide you don't really like this person that much and you want to be with someone else...guess what, you took vows saying you would be there when things are good and when things are crappy. I can pretty much guarantee that if you get divorced for weak reasons, you are going to divorce your next spouse when things get tough there too.

Dreaded AHI

Michael is coming home at the end of the month, so that is all I can really think about. Which is not helpful right now because I have my art history final at 9 am Monday morning and I haven't studied at all. I am lacking the motivation. All I want to do is stuff around the house. Part of me loves when he is gone because I usually get a few new things for La Casa to spruce it up a bit, I have a very sweet husband, and even tho he scolds me for spending the money, I love that he shows me how much he likes whatever I did. Most men wouldn't even notice and if they did they certainly wouldn't care.

Anyways, I think I'll blog for awhile and do a marathon session of studying tomorrow. I've been told that's what being a college student is all about, procrastination and spending money on things you shouldn't!

90 day challenge

Some of you guys know I started going to a Crossfit gym a few months ago, its been super fun and I'm kind of addicted. Crossfit is a combo of running, rowing, lifting weights and some gymnastics. I signed up to do a Leaning out 90 day challenge, it is $30 to buy in, all the money goes into a pot and the winner at the end gets all the cash. You take before and after photos and follow a pretty strict Paleo diet.

Anyways, I'm starting tomorrow, taking my "before" picture. I'm a little nervous, but I REALLY want to win. Who knew I was so competitive?

I'm not sure what to title this one...

So I skipped class this morning (SHHH...don't tell Mike!). I had some really weird dreams last night, it's not unusual for my dreams to be weird or disturbing in some way (which again makes me think, maybe I SHOULD be in therapy). Anyways, I woke up pretty early and was just lying in bed thinking for awhile about the "what ifs'" of my life. Few people know how difficult school has always been for me, those who are very close, know the reasons why. Anyways, my parents always raised us to think that your education does not end after high school, you are not done until you get a college degree. So after high school my parents, my sister and I went up to Washington to look at a college...wish I could remember the name. It was beautiful up there, rolling hills, sprawling fields, everything was so green. I found myself wishing I had decided to go there instead of CBU. I chose CBU because it was comfortable, ALL of my family, starting with my Grandfather went there. Not to mention, thanks to their low academic standards at the time, I was actually accepted. I spent this morning wondering how different my life would have been. I realize, thinking of "what might have been" is not a new concept, but its interesting when its about your own life. It's interesting because only you know the weight of the decisions you have made, the things you love, things you regret, things that caused you pain. I didn't enjoy my time at CBU, I made a few good friends there, but I found that people were unfriendly and created cliques quickly that I never fit into. I wondered what the college in Washington was like, I imagined everyone (being away from the superficial so. Cal.) being really nice. I pictured myself with a big group of friends I felt comfortable with, meeting a guy I married after we graduated. We would stay in Washington because thats where he got a job, we had all the same great friends, we bought a house and started having kids after being married for two years.

But life is messy, and in my personal experience, I am where I'm at because I made stupid decisions. Stupid decisions that led me to the happy place I'm at now. It is kind of a weird thought. I met Michael because I did not have the good sense to break-up with my loser boyfriend after high school, I moved home for this guy, eventually broke up and I went back to school where I met Mike after a moth of being single. With as much pain and baggage that relationship gave me, I would not have met Mike at the exact time I was supposed to. Yes I know everything happens for a reason blah, blah. It is a heavy thought that every decision you make is going to effect you either negatively or positively...and of the bad or negative decisions you make, something good will eventually be the result. Just think about it for a minute, EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE, WILL EFFECT YOUR FUTURE. Such a simple idea, with really lasting...consequences? Effects? Guess it's up for debate.

Capstone: Senior show

Since I will finally be done with school in December, this semester I have to take capstone. I say "have to" because 1. it's a requirement 2. it's painfully difficult and stressful to come up with a topic. Capstone consists of class every Wednesday evening, prints for the senior show, a portfolio, a resume and a senior thesis paper (which we were informed last night, is quite official and will be on file at the University long after we are all dead and gone). Over the last three years as a Photography major at OU, I realized that I usually try to come up with conceptual themes for my work that actually has nothing to do with me personally. Without exception, those were the guidelines I unconsciously set for myself for capstone. My original idea was to document several of the wineries out here in OK, like I told my classmates, being from California (somewhat near wine country), I was very surprised to hear OK had vineyards...it's just not common knowledge. I wanted to learn everything I could about wine, making wine and the process from a grape in the vine to the bottle in the liquor store. After talking to my professor several times about the idea, I was not sure what direction to take it in, he was not terribly fond of the idea to begin with. He asked me why I was interested in wine making, just get down to the REAL reason its interesting. After thinking for a minute, I said "my mom".

I grew up in a strict (and I hate using the word strict, it has a negative connotation here, which is not my intent) Southern Baptist home. Southern Baptists do not drink, which is fine, and thats the kind of home I was raised in. I think my parents did a great job raising my sister, brother and me. I think I currently live how they brought me up to live. I am a good person, I am a Christian and I do my best to show it and live my life according to the Bible...but I drink wine. As you can imagine, this has been a source of contention in my family; but my mother's convictions about alcohol are not my own, and I'm ok with that. Now back to my reaction to why I think wine is interesting. I confided in my professor my mother's opinion of alcohol, about how it was (purposefully) not talked about in the home I grew up in, it was avoided. When I grew up and was out of the house, I was able to form my own opinion about the matter. He suggested I do something along those lines for my project, which I'm just not comfortable doing.

After our talk, I starting thinking about how much I love my mother, about how she is one of my best friends and biggest supporters. I was thinking about how every mother should be that for their child, and how sad it is that many are the complete opposite. I started thinking about all the things she has taken the time over the last 25 years to patiently teach me. I am a strong woman because of my mother; but it didn't stop there, I have leaned so much from my father too. I am the wife and official "handyman" in my own home because of what he taught me.

So there it is, my capstone project revealed itself to me last night during class. Something very vulnerable, something I'm not comfortable putting on display for 200 people to see and judge. I'm not comfortable with it, but I think I can be proud of it. I'm not sure exactly how I will translate this idea into photographs yet, I'm still working on it.

Tears

Today, I cried a little. It was only the third time I have cried since Mike deployed and I think that is really good. I keep comparing this to the first time he was deployed and it is markedly better. On the first go round, I literally cried everyday for the first two month...literally people. I woke up and was feeling pretty good today, I had my coffee and felt motivated. I took a shower and dried my hair. It was only when I started listening to the words of the maudlin music I had playing, that I started feeling a little lonely. After sitting for a few minutes, letting myself actually feel the pain of being alone for four months did I call my sister. I was crying when she picked up the phone, knowing exactly what was wrong (in the amazing way sisters do, sometimes) she asked (knowing full well) how I was doing. I asked her just to start talking, tell me about the restaurant you are eating at, tell me what you ordered for lunch and tell me about the book you are going to check out of the library tomorrow. Soon we were talking about movies and I was laughing a little. The rest of the day was nice, I played with Jezebel and actually made myself dinner instead of just snacking on rice cakes and string cheese. Anyways, I was terrified of this second deployment, but I'm doing much better than I expected. It is a constant lesson that the Lord will not give us more than we can handle, but it's a good lesson to re-learn.

The OG

So tonight was Olive Garden night, it was the first time I have been there since working there almost two years ago. It was a little strange and I was ducking the whole time trying not to get recognized. Anyways, we had a few glasses of wine, delicious food and good company. The rest of the night we sat at home, ate our black tie mousse cake, enjoyed our fire and watched T.V. Nice quiet Saturday night!

Pizza

We decided this is going to be our week of eating out. Mike is deploying again in a few days (not allowed to say exactly when), but he feels it is time to stock up on the food he won't be able to have the next few months. Last night was Poblano Grill, a decent Mexican food restaurant close to our house. I had the spinach enchiladas, which was actually pretty good, I love spinach so I thought it was a perfect match. Tonight was Domino's Pizza, we ordered two medium pizzas and ate all but one slice. This does not bode well for my new commitment (not resolution) to get into fantastic shape, oh well it's only a few days. So I ate almost an entire pizza by myself and I feel...just so beyond gross. I will definitely be hitting the treadmill tomorrow.