I'm not sure what to title this one...

So I skipped class this morning (SHHH...don't tell Mike!). I had some really weird dreams last night, it's not unusual for my dreams to be weird or disturbing in some way (which again makes me think, maybe I SHOULD be in therapy). Anyways, I woke up pretty early and was just lying in bed thinking for awhile about the "what ifs'" of my life. Few people know how difficult school has always been for me, those who are very close, know the reasons why. Anyways, my parents always raised us to think that your education does not end after high school, you are not done until you get a college degree. So after high school my parents, my sister and I went up to Washington to look at a college...wish I could remember the name. It was beautiful up there, rolling hills, sprawling fields, everything was so green. I found myself wishing I had decided to go there instead of CBU. I chose CBU because it was comfortable, ALL of my family, starting with my Grandfather went there. Not to mention, thanks to their low academic standards at the time, I was actually accepted. I spent this morning wondering how different my life would have been. I realize, thinking of "what might have been" is not a new concept, but its interesting when its about your own life. It's interesting because only you know the weight of the decisions you have made, the things you love, things you regret, things that caused you pain. I didn't enjoy my time at CBU, I made a few good friends there, but I found that people were unfriendly and created cliques quickly that I never fit into. I wondered what the college in Washington was like, I imagined everyone (being away from the superficial so. Cal.) being really nice. I pictured myself with a big group of friends I felt comfortable with, meeting a guy I married after we graduated. We would stay in Washington because thats where he got a job, we had all the same great friends, we bought a house and started having kids after being married for two years.

But life is messy, and in my personal experience, I am where I'm at because I made stupid decisions. Stupid decisions that led me to the happy place I'm at now. It is kind of a weird thought. I met Michael because I did not have the good sense to break-up with my loser boyfriend after high school, I moved home for this guy, eventually broke up and I went back to school where I met Mike after a moth of being single. With as much pain and baggage that relationship gave me, I would not have met Mike at the exact time I was supposed to. Yes I know everything happens for a reason blah, blah. It is a heavy thought that every decision you make is going to effect you either negatively or positively...and of the bad or negative decisions you make, something good will eventually be the result. Just think about it for a minute, EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE, WILL EFFECT YOUR FUTURE. Such a simple idea, with really lasting...consequences? Effects? Guess it's up for debate.

Capstone: Senior show

Since I will finally be done with school in December, this semester I have to take capstone. I say "have to" because 1. it's a requirement 2. it's painfully difficult and stressful to come up with a topic. Capstone consists of class every Wednesday evening, prints for the senior show, a portfolio, a resume and a senior thesis paper (which we were informed last night, is quite official and will be on file at the University long after we are all dead and gone). Over the last three years as a Photography major at OU, I realized that I usually try to come up with conceptual themes for my work that actually has nothing to do with me personally. Without exception, those were the guidelines I unconsciously set for myself for capstone. My original idea was to document several of the wineries out here in OK, like I told my classmates, being from California (somewhat near wine country), I was very surprised to hear OK had vineyards...it's just not common knowledge. I wanted to learn everything I could about wine, making wine and the process from a grape in the vine to the bottle in the liquor store. After talking to my professor several times about the idea, I was not sure what direction to take it in, he was not terribly fond of the idea to begin with. He asked me why I was interested in wine making, just get down to the REAL reason its interesting. After thinking for a minute, I said "my mom".

I grew up in a strict (and I hate using the word strict, it has a negative connotation here, which is not my intent) Southern Baptist home. Southern Baptists do not drink, which is fine, and thats the kind of home I was raised in. I think my parents did a great job raising my sister, brother and me. I think I currently live how they brought me up to live. I am a good person, I am a Christian and I do my best to show it and live my life according to the Bible...but I drink wine. As you can imagine, this has been a source of contention in my family; but my mother's convictions about alcohol are not my own, and I'm ok with that. Now back to my reaction to why I think wine is interesting. I confided in my professor my mother's opinion of alcohol, about how it was (purposefully) not talked about in the home I grew up in, it was avoided. When I grew up and was out of the house, I was able to form my own opinion about the matter. He suggested I do something along those lines for my project, which I'm just not comfortable doing.

After our talk, I starting thinking about how much I love my mother, about how she is one of my best friends and biggest supporters. I was thinking about how every mother should be that for their child, and how sad it is that many are the complete opposite. I started thinking about all the things she has taken the time over the last 25 years to patiently teach me. I am a strong woman because of my mother; but it didn't stop there, I have leaned so much from my father too. I am the wife and official "handyman" in my own home because of what he taught me.

So there it is, my capstone project revealed itself to me last night during class. Something very vulnerable, something I'm not comfortable putting on display for 200 people to see and judge. I'm not comfortable with it, but I think I can be proud of it. I'm not sure exactly how I will translate this idea into photographs yet, I'm still working on it.

Tears

Today, I cried a little. It was only the third time I have cried since Mike deployed and I think that is really good. I keep comparing this to the first time he was deployed and it is markedly better. On the first go round, I literally cried everyday for the first two month...literally people. I woke up and was feeling pretty good today, I had my coffee and felt motivated. I took a shower and dried my hair. It was only when I started listening to the words of the maudlin music I had playing, that I started feeling a little lonely. After sitting for a few minutes, letting myself actually feel the pain of being alone for four months did I call my sister. I was crying when she picked up the phone, knowing exactly what was wrong (in the amazing way sisters do, sometimes) she asked (knowing full well) how I was doing. I asked her just to start talking, tell me about the restaurant you are eating at, tell me what you ordered for lunch and tell me about the book you are going to check out of the library tomorrow. Soon we were talking about movies and I was laughing a little. The rest of the day was nice, I played with Jezebel and actually made myself dinner instead of just snacking on rice cakes and string cheese. Anyways, I was terrified of this second deployment, but I'm doing much better than I expected. It is a constant lesson that the Lord will not give us more than we can handle, but it's a good lesson to re-learn.

The OG

So tonight was Olive Garden night, it was the first time I have been there since working there almost two years ago. It was a little strange and I was ducking the whole time trying not to get recognized. Anyways, we had a few glasses of wine, delicious food and good company. The rest of the night we sat at home, ate our black tie mousse cake, enjoyed our fire and watched T.V. Nice quiet Saturday night!

Pizza

We decided this is going to be our week of eating out. Mike is deploying again in a few days (not allowed to say exactly when), but he feels it is time to stock up on the food he won't be able to have the next few months. Last night was Poblano Grill, a decent Mexican food restaurant close to our house. I had the spinach enchiladas, which was actually pretty good, I love spinach so I thought it was a perfect match. Tonight was Domino's Pizza, we ordered two medium pizzas and ate all but one slice. This does not bode well for my new commitment (not resolution) to get into fantastic shape, oh well it's only a few days. So I ate almost an entire pizza by myself and I feel...just so beyond gross. I will definitely be hitting the treadmill tomorrow.

2010

10 years has gone by since we all thought the world was going to end with Y2K, which seems silly now but then again we still have plenty of silly people thinking the world is going to end in 2012. It is crazy to think where I was 10 years ago, I was 15 yrs. old, a sophomore in high school and was just about to start dating my high school sweetheart. My sister had just gone off to college and I was the last one at home with my parents. At 15 I didn't have many plans for the future, I could hardly think past the next day that I got to see my boyfriend. I, like many people I'm sure, feel like I wasted a lot of time in my adolescent years, but I'm not sure how you can do much different when you are 15, self conscience and boy crazy. My last two years of high school were tumultuous, I had many broken hearts and many learning experiences about "friends" from teenage girls. I went off to college at California Baptist University at 17, not because I wanted to, but because that is where everyone in my family had gone to school before me and honestly my prospects were quite slim. I met some friends there, some friends who are very dear to me and even though we live in different parts of the country now, they will remain so for the rest of our lives. I moved home second semester of my sophomore year of college, and stayed there until I figured some things out about myself. I went back to CBU where I immediately met the wonderful man who would become my husband. Things went pretty quickly from there, I was at school for another year until I got married and moved across the country to Panama City, FL. From there we moved to Oklahoma City and I started school again at the University of Oklahoma (you'd think I'd be a doctor by now).

So here I am, all grown up at 25 years old and about the go through my husband's 2nd deployment with the USAF. I'm pleased with the way life is turning out, only thing I would like to change...I would have loved to graduate 3 yrs ago and gotten a great job making tons of money, but we can't have it all I guess. I have a great God and a husband who loves me more than I deserve, I think I'm doing pretty good.

Life

I'm ready for a change...any ideas?