I'm not sure what to title this one...

So I skipped class this morning (SHHH...don't tell Mike!). I had some really weird dreams last night, it's not unusual for my dreams to be weird or disturbing in some way (which again makes me think, maybe I SHOULD be in therapy). Anyways, I woke up pretty early and was just lying in bed thinking for awhile about the "what ifs'" of my life. Few people know how difficult school has always been for me, those who are very close, know the reasons why. Anyways, my parents always raised us to think that your education does not end after high school, you are not done until you get a college degree. So after high school my parents, my sister and I went up to Washington to look at a college...wish I could remember the name. It was beautiful up there, rolling hills, sprawling fields, everything was so green. I found myself wishing I had decided to go there instead of CBU. I chose CBU because it was comfortable, ALL of my family, starting with my Grandfather went there. Not to mention, thanks to their low academic standards at the time, I was actually accepted. I spent this morning wondering how different my life would have been. I realize, thinking of "what might have been" is not a new concept, but its interesting when its about your own life. It's interesting because only you know the weight of the decisions you have made, the things you love, things you regret, things that caused you pain. I didn't enjoy my time at CBU, I made a few good friends there, but I found that people were unfriendly and created cliques quickly that I never fit into. I wondered what the college in Washington was like, I imagined everyone (being away from the superficial so. Cal.) being really nice. I pictured myself with a big group of friends I felt comfortable with, meeting a guy I married after we graduated. We would stay in Washington because thats where he got a job, we had all the same great friends, we bought a house and started having kids after being married for two years.

But life is messy, and in my personal experience, I am where I'm at because I made stupid decisions. Stupid decisions that led me to the happy place I'm at now. It is kind of a weird thought. I met Michael because I did not have the good sense to break-up with my loser boyfriend after high school, I moved home for this guy, eventually broke up and I went back to school where I met Mike after a moth of being single. With as much pain and baggage that relationship gave me, I would not have met Mike at the exact time I was supposed to. Yes I know everything happens for a reason blah, blah. It is a heavy thought that every decision you make is going to effect you either negatively or positively...and of the bad or negative decisions you make, something good will eventually be the result. Just think about it for a minute, EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE, WILL EFFECT YOUR FUTURE. Such a simple idea, with really lasting...consequences? Effects? Guess it's up for debate.

Capstone: Senior show

Since I will finally be done with school in December, this semester I have to take capstone. I say "have to" because 1. it's a requirement 2. it's painfully difficult and stressful to come up with a topic. Capstone consists of class every Wednesday evening, prints for the senior show, a portfolio, a resume and a senior thesis paper (which we were informed last night, is quite official and will be on file at the University long after we are all dead and gone). Over the last three years as a Photography major at OU, I realized that I usually try to come up with conceptual themes for my work that actually has nothing to do with me personally. Without exception, those were the guidelines I unconsciously set for myself for capstone. My original idea was to document several of the wineries out here in OK, like I told my classmates, being from California (somewhat near wine country), I was very surprised to hear OK had vineyards...it's just not common knowledge. I wanted to learn everything I could about wine, making wine and the process from a grape in the vine to the bottle in the liquor store. After talking to my professor several times about the idea, I was not sure what direction to take it in, he was not terribly fond of the idea to begin with. He asked me why I was interested in wine making, just get down to the REAL reason its interesting. After thinking for a minute, I said "my mom".

I grew up in a strict (and I hate using the word strict, it has a negative connotation here, which is not my intent) Southern Baptist home. Southern Baptists do not drink, which is fine, and thats the kind of home I was raised in. I think my parents did a great job raising my sister, brother and me. I think I currently live how they brought me up to live. I am a good person, I am a Christian and I do my best to show it and live my life according to the Bible...but I drink wine. As you can imagine, this has been a source of contention in my family; but my mother's convictions about alcohol are not my own, and I'm ok with that. Now back to my reaction to why I think wine is interesting. I confided in my professor my mother's opinion of alcohol, about how it was (purposefully) not talked about in the home I grew up in, it was avoided. When I grew up and was out of the house, I was able to form my own opinion about the matter. He suggested I do something along those lines for my project, which I'm just not comfortable doing.

After our talk, I starting thinking about how much I love my mother, about how she is one of my best friends and biggest supporters. I was thinking about how every mother should be that for their child, and how sad it is that many are the complete opposite. I started thinking about all the things she has taken the time over the last 25 years to patiently teach me. I am a strong woman because of my mother; but it didn't stop there, I have leaned so much from my father too. I am the wife and official "handyman" in my own home because of what he taught me.

So there it is, my capstone project revealed itself to me last night during class. Something very vulnerable, something I'm not comfortable putting on display for 200 people to see and judge. I'm not comfortable with it, but I think I can be proud of it. I'm not sure exactly how I will translate this idea into photographs yet, I'm still working on it.